Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Corporate Jargon Demystified


One of the prerequisites of joining the corporate world is to be able to separate the wheat from the chaff.

If you missed it, I just used a jargon in the sentence above, which is one of the unstated hobbies of people in the corporate world.

I have been a victim and a guilty party to it on numerous occasions. Funnily, when you are the one committing the crime, it all sounds fine, but in case you are the victim, the jargon can be like a painful pill you have to swallow, which the doctor has prescribed.

I have always found jargons to be nothing but diplomatic statements that corporate use, when they do not want to say something directly. These jargons have a hidden meaning behind them, which I have tried to decipher.

Here is the list of jargons that I have often heard being bandied around along with their true meanings and my special comments for each of them:

Corporate Jargon
What they mean to say
My special comments
Having said that
I am not sure of what is right and what is wrong. So at the cost of contradicting myself, let me put my point of view from both the sides. Who knows which of them maybe right?’

Once you use ‘having said that’, I ignore one of the two points and it is my prerogative whether I choose the point before your jargon or after!
At the end of the day
It does not matter what I say. What has to happen will happen ultimately.

When I hear this, I start thinking of the time that I can go out of office and party.
Back of the envelope calculations
 I have not been able to do enough work on this project so I do not want to be held responsible for the numbers that I quote. Let me get away by saying that these are just back of the envelope calculations.

I just wonder who ever does calculations at the back of an envelope! Are there no calculators and excel sheets?

Let’s get everyone on the same page
I already know that lot of people do not agree to my proposal. Let us try to convince them.
Are we all reading a similar book that we can expect people to come to the same page?
Let’s take this offline
I do not have the gumption or courage to argue in an open forum.
We are not on Facebook or Twitter. We are already offline. Offline further than this would mean out of office and I am fine with anything that takes me out of office!
We need more granularity
I do not understand this very clearly. Please give me more details so that I can critique and thrash the idea.
I think a food godown can get you more granularity
Let us open one more bucket
The idea is interesting but I have no idea where to slot it. We will have to figure it out.
At this rate, plastic manufacturers will rejoice as we keep opening so many buckets on a daily basis!
These cells need to be populated
I just want to sound cool so I am using these words for a simple exercise.
So you mean you want me to fill the excel sheet and asking me to do such a mundane thing will make you feel cool?
Out of the box thinking
I want to impress the Board. Let us take something new and interesting.
Jack also pops out of the box and his head is out when he thinks!
Believe you me
Since everyone else uses this, let me also use it.
So who do I believe? You or me?
Or maybe both eh?

In fact, when you look through these, most would not even qualify as jargon but unfortunately, since these are used sporadically by corporate, I have taken the liberty of classifying them as corporate jargon.

These are just some of the ones that I can recollect while putting this blog. There are many more floating around and I might just update this blog sometime in future, once I have got a handful to share once again.

Disclaimer: The above article is a work of fiction and any resemblance to anyone living is purely unintentional and coincidental. If you still feel offended, go back to my third paragraph, where I talk about being the victim and being guilty and you will understand.


Phew! That should be good to save the job!

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Walking through the haze

Where do I start from? The present is muddled up, the past is getting hazier by the day and the future seems to be engulfed in a fog, leaving no chance of any visibility and making one rely on one’s imagination to see beyond that. 

These were the thoughts Ritwik was having as soon as he was asked “Tell me something about yourself” by the interviewer. Not a new question for Ritwik who had given a number of interviews in the last 10 years – not only for a job, but even to the media. 

Ritwik Malhotra had the gift of the gab. Ten minutes after people met him, they would be lapping up things from his hand. A natural charmer was his second name and he knew how to play to the galleries. 

Today, things were different. The simplest of questions was making Ritwik fumble and search for answers. He started off slowly and hesitantly “My name is Ritwik Malhotra. I have been working since the last 10 years and my last job was that of a Category Head with Smith & Baine (S&B), where I was handling their blades and razor segment in their personal care category. “ 

As words started coming out slowly, Ritwik knew that this is not how he starts off. But at that stage, he had no control on what he was saying and he decided to go with the flow. 

“I was with Smith & Baine (S&B) for the last five years. I moved there from A.V. Somani Pvt. Ltd., where I was the Marketing Manager for three years. I was managing their entire skin care range, comprising of three of their large brands – Eternity, Pause and Awe, and New You.” 

“You were seen as a star performer in S&B. With your kind of experience and performance, why did S&B ask you to leave their organization in such a quick and hushed manner?” 

This was the question Ritwik was dreading right from the start of the interview, but it did come up, making Ritwik go livid. He used his calming technique and took a deep breath before looking straight into the eye of the lady who asked him this question. 

“Ms. Dewan, I was not asked to leave the organization. The circumstances had become such that I was planning to quit the organization. S&B got a whiff of what is on my mind and they came up with an allegation and asked me to leave.” said Ritwik with a steely look in his eye, which made the lady a bit uncomfortable. 

A minute of silence followed. 

Once again a series of thoughts flashed across Ritwik. They were not in a set pattern; they were more like a montage of scenes from the last ten years. 

Fashion shows, Niharika Dalal, Achiever’s Award, interviews, flash lights, clubs and parties, wedding, shopping and holidays, legal contracts, business newspaper headlines…. 

“Can you please explain this in detail?”, asked the gentleman sitting on the right. 

“I am sorry but I would not like to talk about this any further than this. The reason that I am sitting here and you are interviewing me is because you believe in my capability, my skills and my talent. All of you giving your time also means that somewhere, you all believe that there is more to this whole controversy than meets the eye. If that is true, then I think we should not dwell on that issue any further and rather talk about what I can do for your company and whether I seem like the right fit or not.” 

“Fair enough, so we will talk on other aspects and let this pass off.” spoke Ms. Dewan once again, acknowledging the nods of the other two gentlemen on either sides of her. 

The montage of shots continued to run in Ritwik’s head and he could not shake them off. He could recollect one of the news articles clearly: 

Ritwik Malhotra, Category Head, Smith & Baine quits S&B suddenly and abruptly. 

It is quite surprising that Ritwik Malhotra, who was seen as a star performer at Smith & Baine, and who was being groomed for more senior roles has suddenly decided to leave the organization. 

Ritwik has been credited for reviving the sagging fortunes of the blades and razor category of Smith & Baine with his innovative and different style of marketing. This not only grew the category in double digits for three years in a row for the first time ever, but also made one of their brands Smoother Me one of the most trusted brands by consumers, featuring in the 10 most trusted brands list for the first time ever since the time of its launch. 

Ritwik Malhotra is married to Niharika Dalal, who was a super model in her heydays. They started dating when Niharika Dalal was signed as a brand ambassador for one of the brands Ritwik was managing – Pause and Awe, while working for A.V. Somani. 

Some unconfirmed reports say that Ritwik Malhotra was asked to leave and his character was questioned by the organization. This is surprising as last year itself, S&B gave Ritwik the Young Achiever’s Award and made him the youngest member of the Board. 

Emails and SMSes sent to both Smith & Baine and Ritwik Malhotra did not elicit any response. 

Watch this space for more updates on this story. 

“So Ritwik, do you think you would be fine working with a company which is 1/5th the size of S&B and hence the brands are also much smaller?”, asked the guy in pin-stripe suit, breaking the train of thoughts of Ritwik. 

“I have never been bothered about the present size of the company. What is most important to me is how big I can make the brands I handle and the company I work for. That is the challenge I thrive on. So you can be rest assured on that front. “ 

“It is good to know that. I think we have asked what we wanted to ask you. Moreover, your work is pretty well known in the industry so we don’t need to know more on that front. We would like to offer you the role of Chief Marketing Officer in our company. I will work out the entire offer and send it to you on your email by tomorrow.” said the HR head sitting on the right. He then extended his hand to shake hands with Ritwik. 

Ritwik thanked each one of them and headed to his car. He was relieved to get a job after the big stories of last couple of months around him. 

At the age of 34, Ritwik had his life set. An extremely stunning wife, youngest Category Head in Smith & Baine, the star of the senior Management Committee, an Audi Q7 in his parking bay in tony South Mumbai and a career that looked headed in the right direction… atleast till the series of events of the last two months. 

It was 2002 when Ritwik had seen Niharika in one of the fashion magazines he was surfing through. He was short-listing magazines to advertise in, for the three brands that he was managing at A.V. Somani. They were looking for a face for their premium skin care brand Pause and Awe, and Niharika Dalal seemed to fit the bill perfectly. She had a lovely jaw line, a great body, fantastic skin and an aura around her personality. Ritwik personally attended a few fashion shows where Niharika Dalal was the show stopper to be sure about her as the brand ambassador. 

A meeting was set up between Ritwik and Niharika through her agent. Both hit it off instantly from their first meeting itself. Ritwik signed Niharika for his brand with a two year legal contract and those were also the two years that he dated Niharika before proposing to her. They got married in a lavish wedding ceremony at the Taj Mahal Hotel, Colaba, attended by everyone from the fashion world and the FMCG industry. 

Ritwik Malhotra had become the poster boy of the FMCG industry after turning out two brands of A.V. Somani into market leaders. This happened when the brands were being written off by the veterans of the industry and it made everyone take notice of him. CNBC did a story on him that led to the CEO of Smith & Baine noticing him and calling him over for a cup of coffee. The coffee resulted in a job offer at S&B as their Category Head. 

While his professional life was on an upward swing, the same was not true of his personal life. His married life was rocky and there were serious compatibility issues between Ritwik and Niharika. They tried to work it out by going on a number of holidays, but it just did not work out. Ritwik and Niharika had been staying separately since the last one year, though they were yet to take a legal course of action. 

Four months back, there was a party to celebrate the highest ever growth year of Ritwik’s category, where he met Irene. Irene had just completed her Masters in Psychology from New York and was visiting Mumbai for a few months. Ritwik’s Thank You speech won him an admirer in Irene. She went across and introduced herself. Ritwik’s natural charm further enamored her and he was also impressed by her intelligence and world knowledge. They exchanged numbers before saying a Good Bye that night. 

Exchanging numbers was a bad decision in retrospect according to Ritwik as he was thinking of these series of events while driving. 

Hey there. How are you? I am super bored. Do you want to catch up for a cup of coffee? Irene Beeped Ritwik’s mobile, while he was sitting in one of the usual presentations. 

It is difficult to overpower temptation and loneliness often forgets rationale. 

Despite knowing the repercussions of this could be bad, Ritwik sent a reply: I am doing very well. Thank you. I am stuck in a meeting at the moment and will get done by 7 pm. How about meeting at the Oberoi Coffee Shop at 9.30 pm today? 

An instant reply came to Ritwik: Done. It is a date then. Shall look forward to an interesting evening J 

Ritwik skipped a heartbeat on reading the message. Not because of excitement, but because of guilt. He knew this was not right as he was still married. 

Ritwik and Irene got along like a house on fire. They both had similar interests – movies, long drives, nice cars and writing. They both enjoyed each other’s company. 

One date was not enough for both. What followed was a series of dates, movies, dinner and also a weekend holiday to Lonavla, where they made love for the first time. It was special with the rains hitting on the window sill, making the outside temperature colder, while the inside temperature continued getting hotter. 

Despite being together for a month and a half, Ritwik had not disclosed one big secret of his life to Irene - he was married. 

One evening, Niharika saw him holding Irene’s hand and enjoying his wine at Aer lounge, the open air lounge at the Four Seasons Hotel and just flew off the handle. Abuses were hurled. Loyalties were questioned. There was lot of bad blood all around. Irene watched all of this shell-shocked. As soon as the scene got over, she just got up and walked off without even having a word with Ritwik. 

Ritwik tried calling Irene a number of times over the next few days but she would just not respond. 

A fortnight passed and Ritwik was still not able to get in touch with Irene. She had also blocked him on all social networking sites. While Ritwik was sending another message to Irene, he was asked to come into Mr. Shroff’s cabin. As soon as he walked in, Mr. Shroff just let it go “You swine! Fucking liar! How dare you play around with the emotions of my girl.“ He caught Ritwik by his collar then and hollered “Despite being married, you went around with Irene and made her pregnant! Irene is my daughter and the apple of my eye and you hurt her. You bastard!”. With this, he slapped Ritwik on his face and asked him to leave his room and not try to get in touch with his daughter again. 

Ritwik was taken aback. Not by Mr. Shroff’s reaction and him slapping him, but with what he had just said ‘Irene is my daughter and is pregnant’. How? He had used protection. Did it tear off? Did he not realize when that happened? Or has there been someone else also in Irene’s life? Why did the name Irene Shroff not ring a bell in his head when they were dating each other? 

Ritwik’s head was buzzing with all these thoughts but he tried to gain his senses to figure out his next steps. He had to leave this organization after all that had happened today as his career in this organization was in jeopardy after this reaction of Mr. Shroff. 

Ritwik came to the office next day with a resignation with him, which was accepted immediately. Mr. Shroff had spoken to HR and managed to convince them that Ritwik’s character was questionable and S&B could not have such a person on their rolls. As the CMD, Abraham Shroff wielded power across functions and across the Board. Being the highest stakeholder in the company further added weight to what he had to say and everyone had to hear that. 

Everyone in the organization was shocked by this sudden development and there were a number of rumours and stories that started doing the rounds. Ritwik just did not have the patience to clarify and correct people. 

All the business papers were busy speculating and talking about this new development in Ritwik’s career and this sudden move, but neither Smith & Baine gave a comment nor did Ritwik reply to the numerous queries that he got. 

Ritwik drove straight to Marine Drive and went and sat on the parapet from where he could see the sea right across, the horizon above the sea – teasing it and the stars in the sky. This was the same place where Ritwik had started dreaming his ambitions at the start of his career. He always wanted to shine like the star above over the city of Mumbai. This was also the place where Ritwik and Niharika had come often, late in the night to escape the shutter bugs. 

This was not how it was supposed to be. Ritwik wanted to get his life back in order. He decided to drive straight to Niharika’s place. He needed someone today more than ever, who could hear him out patiently. He wanted to give it one more shot with her, if she was willing to allow him into her life once again.