MEETING MEN AND WOMEN ON A FARM

Relationship status messages on Facebook, matrimonial sites, dating apps…they are all there around us. If you are single or even if you are not, choices exist for you if you are willing to put in the time and effort that comes along with it. 

Today men and women or even people of the same sex can meet each other through various platforms and see what they can make of these meetings/dates/rendezvous, call it whatever you want. 

Depending on what you are looking for, you can decide on which part of the FARM do you want to be. FARM. Did I just mention FARM? Have I lost it? Till a paragraph back, I was talking about men and women and how they can mingle with each other through various platforms and then suddenly why would I be talking about an agricultural piece of land FARM?

Now now, before you start thinking that I am drunk in the afternoon, let me explain myself. Basis my understanding and observation of human behavior, I have come across four levels at which people want to connect with someone else. I have put these four into a term that I call FARM.

So what does FARM entail? 

FARM consists of a Fling, Affair, Relationship and Marriage.

Different people at different point in their lives choose one of these parts of a FARM. Sometimes it is the same two people who are on different parts of the FARM but quite often, one of the two individuals are different at different parts of the farm. 

How do I further classify these parts and what distinguishes one from the other?

FLING: A fling is a short term event or incident. It usually lasts for a few days and extends sometimes to a month or so. In most cases, a fling has lust at its core unless it starts with the honest intention of a relationship, but due to circumstances or reasons it ends much earlier and ends up being a fling. Quite often, both the individuals knowingly get into a fling, where usually terms like ‘No Strings Attached’ are also heard. I am sure that all you readers are smart individuals and I do not need to explain a fling any further. 

AFFAIR: An affair is usually something that is meant to be known only to the two individuals. Both the parties choose to be discreet about it and do not prefer talking about it or coming out in the open. There is also the fear of getting caught that lies at the core of an affair. Some people get thrilled by living such an emotion and is one of their big reasons to have an affair. Usually, there is an emotion of guilt that is always playing a role when it comes to an affair. That is why, you also hear the term called Extra-Marital Affair.

RELATIONSHIP: This is where emotions start getting involved. You start connecting with the other person on various levels: emotional, intellectual, romantic, physical etc. People call themselves in love when they are in a relationship and love is the core of this segment. People love going out for movies, dinners and dates and have no qualms in telling the world about their partner, their boyfriend/girlfriend. This is the phase when people are glowing and are the happiest. They look forward to the time that they would spend with their partner. 

MARRIAGE: This is the last part of a FARM. A lot of relationships gravitate towards this part and culminate into marriages. This is the part where legality also comes and starts playing a role. This is the part where individuals become an official couple by calling themselves husband and wife, which is like a seal of commitment. 

So friends, these four together represent the FARM and the question is “Which part of the FARM are you sitting at?”

LETTING GO

The topic that I have chosen for today’s blog has some relevance in each and every one of our lives.  As human beings, emotions play a significant role in deciding our behaviour and in building relationships and attachments towards people as well as inanimate objects and things.

Quite often as someone or something becomes ours, we tend to get emotionally attached to it very strongly and the reasons for the same can be multifold. Some people or things bring joy and happiness to us, some others have a certain strong memory/memories attached to it, while some others have been acquired by putting in a lot of value (money or time or emotion or efforts).

From here on, I would like to talk about people and objects as two separate entities as each of the two has a separate emotion and value to it and it would be foolish to talk about the two in the same frame or with the same lens.

I will start with the inanimate objects first as they can be dealt with far easily than people. When I say that they can be dealt with far easily, what I mean is that one can let go off them far more easily. Yes, letting go…..two words which most of us hate to hear when it comes to things that we are very fond of. Letting go is a very strong action which requires one to be strong mentally and emotionally as letting go in most cases also means that you are accepting the fact that the thing will go away from you forever and you will not get to see it again in most cases. It is a very difficult act to perform and that is the reason we see a number of people holding on to a number of things dearly.

Let me illustrate what I am saying by a number of examples.

I have seen a number of mothers keeping the small clothes and toys of their kids, neatly folded/packed, occupying a large amount of space in their houses and cupboards even though the kid has become an adult and has left the home for a bright future. For that mother, there is no monetary value to any of these items but there is so much of nostalgia and memory attached to these items that asking her to let go off these can be very difficult.

Similarly, there are a number of women who still keep a size 26 jeans in their cupboard although they have outgrown that size a number of times over the last few years and they know it very well that they will never be able to reach that size again unless they decide to starve themselves. Yet if you were to ever ask them to let go of this jeans, the response that you will get is that she is keeping it so that she can wear it once again when she comes back to size 26.  Here again, when the woman looks at the jeans what she is actually remembering is that there were those days when she was really that slim. Nostalgia and memories once again play a big role in not allowing her to let go of her jeans.

You have a number of such cases of people keeping things that they won’t use again in future – books, clothes, toys, shoes and the list can go on.

It is always a struggle for them to let go of these possessions but sometimes you need to take that big step and just let it go as most of these things just occupy too much of space, which can be used to store or keep something else. Unless and until the emotion behind keeping that item is way too strong, you should just follow the rule of 6 and let go of these items.

Rule of 6 is an interesting rule that allows or facilitates letting go with some amount of ease. All you have to do is go through all the things that you have/own/possess every six months and ask yourself that which of these is something I have not used/worn/taken out in the last six months and put all those items aside. Once you have got them separated and if they are more than 6 items then what you can do is ask yourself that which of the 6 out of these is something I can let go off without feeling very bad. Select those 6 items and just discard them. You will feel better at this after sometime and you will also realise how much space you have got for new things and items in your life.

Now that the easy part has been talked about, let me talk about the difficult part which involves letting go of people.

Just look around and you will see a number of people who are holding on to another person even though there is no meaning left in holding on any more as there is no love or no happiness or no bond.  You see people holding on to companies (who I will consider as people) even though they are not happy there, people holding on to their partners even though the relationship or marriage has gone kaput, people holding on to friends who are really not friends but opportunists.

In most cases, people are holding on to other people and not letting go because of:

1. The time and effort that they have given – Seen mostly in case of companies, relationships and friendships
2. Kids and Social stigma – Seen mostly in case of marriages
3. Fear of the future and the unknown – Seen mostly in case of companies, relationships and marriages
4. Inertia or the mental strength – Seen mostly in case of companies and relationships

Almost all the people know when there is a genuine bond or feeling between people and when are they really holding on. There is just no point in dragging it for more time when you know that the result will be the same or worse. Of course, in the case of people, one has to try much harder and see if there is any merit and value in holding on or not before deciding the next step.

Yes, letting go in this case is not easy at all and it can really drain you out but sometimes when it has to be done it has to be done. Unfortunately there is no rule of 6 that can work in this case. The only rule that works here is asking your heart and your head whether it is worth continuing any more or will you be happy and better off outside and with that single approach, just go ahead and let go.